I’m drafting this as I sit snotty and phlegmy on the couch while Davy watches Twirlywoos for the fourth day in a row. I considered putting off this week‘s Substack, but I finished the book series I was binge reading and my mind needs something to anchor on.
Our fevers have passed, and the COVID tests are negative, but my cough has moved into my chest and I’m not sure how long it’s going to linger.
This week has been rough, and not just because of the sickness.
I don’t even know where to begin.
The content below was originally paywalled.
Davy started back to Montessori school last week. As you know they asked me to present about neurodiversity and have been very open to learning how they can support him.
But even with the accommodations offered to us, it wasn’t enough.
What we really needed was an extra year in the Toddler class (which is set up for kids with emerging language skills). But Arkansas laws won’t allow that.
Meanwhile, our whole family fell sick.
After being well for the entire summer.
We are finally realizing that we’re an immunocompromised family and what knocks out most kids for a day or two will make our whole family sick for 2-4 weeks. We’ve been sick for a huge amount of the last two years.
This was the final straw and a huge factor in the overall risk / reward equation.
For now we’ve decided to keep Davy home where he can be in an environment that fits his needs with people that can understand his communication.
And I’ve spent the last week picking out stitches so I can start over with stronger thread.
The work of advocacy that preceded this pushed me far beyond my limits. I was hemorraging energy, masking my own needs, and sick with anxiety that made me physically nauseas.
I have so much respect and admiration for those of you who are doing ongoing advocacy in schools. The work is HARD, and thankless.
Thank you for advocating for your kids. Remember to advocate for yourself as well. Every time we question the system and ask for what we need we are making ripples that will change the world.
The moment we made a decision to step away I knew it was right.
I’m feeling at peace.
It may take another week or so to fight off these sinus infections, but after that we’ll figure it out.
Maybe next week we’ll go out to the studio together, but for now I’ll keep hiding Benadryl in peanut butter sandwiches and wiping snotty noses.
This month I’m combining our new link up with my monthly favorites (books I’m reading, podcasts I’m listening to, etc.) I started this draft weeks ago and have been adding links when I find something worth sharing.
Just one more step toward finding creative flow here on Substack.
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It’s been a summer for dark magic on TV. After Davy goes down we’ve enjoyed Locke & Key, Stranger Things, and Umbrella Academy. They’re all slightly different vibes (and content ratings.) I love seeing more people enjoying sci fi and fantasy stories. They can give us a metaphorical distance to explore the darkness in life.
I bought Davy a calculator and he thinks it’s a portable phone. 😂 He’s carried it around all day and is also practicing counting with it. The best $2 I have ever spent.
He is also really into water painting. How satisfying is this? You paint with water and then it disappears when it dries.
I made these years ago to practice brush lettering and it is fun to see them have a second life. I bought “magic water painting paper” and mounted it to artist hardboard. We have red, green, and black.
I bet this would even work on construction paper, slate, or a dark rock. I just love how its the fun of painting with NO MESS.
I’ve linked the paper we use and a few other options here.
A note about affiliate links.
If you can shop local or buy secondhand please ignore them!
I’ve had a lot of questions about where I got this or that for David so I am trialing these for a test period.
I try to include options including secondhand shops (like Book Depository) when possible. Some (but not all) of these are affiliate links.
If you make any purchase after clicking through an affiliate link I will earn a teeny tiny credit.
Your turn to share!
Post a link below. A book, a game, a post, a video, a place, a podcast, any metaphorical rabbit hole you’d recommend to tumbling down.
You’re welcome to link up your own blogs, podcasts, and social media posts. 🐇
When sharing is reciprocal it’s not self promotion it’s connection.
If you participate please take some time to connect in comments and visit someone else’s link. 🥰
I’ll be featuring some of my favorites on Instagram each month. Check out the community guidelines and last month’s links here.
Months ago I scribbled “orbiting ideas” on an index card. What I meant at the time was the feeling of having an idea, forgetting it, returning to the idea, not having energy of it, leaving it, and finally meeting that idea when the time was right.
I used to fight this.
Or feel extremely guilty about it.
But I’m learning that this rhythm is actually a healthy part of my creative ecosystem.
Rather than living in a perpetual state of creative burn out (I’m looking at you 2018) I’m even more productive since following the gravitational pull of my own orbit.
Down the Rabbit Hole is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
It can be frustrating gliding right past a shiny idea that’s just out of reach. Or catapulting through sparkling space dust that you know is magic, but you can’t quite make out.
For example, right now I’m curious about the hard science of orbit and how NASA calculates the trajectory of space craft. 🚀
But, Davy’s at the end of his nap, Nathan is ready for dinner, and I find myself skimming right past.
That doesn’t mean I have to give up on the idea. I mean, it sounds fascinating (if potentially a little math heavy). Maybe when I reread the Lady Astronaut series I’ll revisit the idea and Hank Green will have made the perfect accessible Sci Show video to explain.
(Ok, while I was looking for an image to put here I found this link. This is why I have 500 tabs open on my phone.)
Trusting that I will come back to the mechanics of orbiting at some point I’m moving on. I think you get the basic idea.
So many of us, especially neurodivergent creators, are shamed for “shiny object syndrome” or “project hopping” or “lack of focus.”
But what I’m experiencing is far from a lack of focus, it’s extreme (yet somewhat unwieldy) hyperfocus. And when I let my hyperfocus take the lead I fall into a deeply productive creative flow.
This is how I’ve made more art and drafted three books in three years since my son has been born. The years before were a wash of structured “productivity” during which I spent a lot of time working, but didn’t engage very deeply in my creative work.
Over the summer I’ve been preparing to give a talk on neurodiversity for my son’s school. When I started researching and the pull toward going deeper and deeper got stronger and stronger like I was being tugged into a black hole.
… I may have accidentally started writing another book.
And another chapter for my creative ecosystem book.
I’m going to ride this out and when Davy starts school I should have enough control of the spacecraft to land on a cozy asteroid and finish up Discover Your Creative Ecosystem.
For me to control the spacecraft I need a certain amount of quiet time to reset from the overstimulation of motherhood. Otherwise our escape pod is just spinning and I am putting out endless fires.
I’m also having a lot of fun with the space imagery for this project inspired by the term neurodivergent space time which I coined for an art project earlier this year. I was a massive space nerd in first grade and my inner child is living their best life. ✨
What about you? Do you orbit ideas a few times before you can really land on them?
If you haven’t done my subscriber survey yet I still have a few postcards I’m sending out to folks who take the time to answer. 😘
I was going to do a ramble podcast this month, but it’s blazing outside. 🔥 Even if the window box cooled down the studio enough to be tolerable the it would be way too loud. So here we are with a boring text update. 🙄
I don’t have any process photos so I will supplement accordingly with GIFS. (You may have to click through to the browser or app to see them in motion. I haven’t quite figured that out yet.)
Just a reminder that my Ecosystem book is intentionally on hold until Davy goes back to school. (I feel like I have to say this every time so I don’t look distracted and irresponsible.)
Because that is in the final stages I need complete silence to focus on the details before ordering the last proof.
My summer project has been preparing a Neurodiversity presentation for Davy’s school. Alongside my reading and research I’m working on a visual metaphor for overstimulation which will probably also become an art piece.
More on that next month. It involves a glass fish bowl, a remote control turn table, alcohol ink, and a massive bag of marbles.
The content below was originally paywalled.
I also dabbled in some AI art on Midjourney, but I’m writing a whole post about that next month.
Meanwhile I’ve had a lot of questions from you guys about neurodiversity so I’m trying to figure out how best to share what I’m learning with you. I’m making notes and, y’all …
I think it’s another book.
BUT I want to share my writing bit by bit and then stitch it together into book form. I think I’m going to announce the details for that project on Monday.
I kind of wrote Discover Your Creative Ecosystem this way, but I didn’t know it was a book. 😂
I was writing creative coaching emails and sending them out each week. Those became the bones of the book, and then underwent quite heavy editing to turn it into what it is now.
(I think I‘ve ideated one more chapter this summer if I can squeeze it in!)
Maybe I’m discovering my writing process. Sharing my first draft in this way helps me focus on incremental progress and won’t let me get stuck editing the same bit over and over.
I didn’t do this with my creative motherhood book, and that’s why it’s not done. I need to revisit that manuscript this autumn with toddler mum eyes, but I hope to finish it within the next year.
Ok, that’s all from me this month! (Besides Substack, which I batched in June and I’m really enjoying.)
I’m taking a bit of time offline, but I wrote and scheduled this post for you last month. 💌 Thanks for your patience as I answer the comments and messages in my own time. 😘
After my book funded I completely fell apart. I’d been so careful not to push myself too hard during the Indiegogo that I drowned in a deluge of commitments the following week.
My breakdown was the unfortunate aftereffect of too much.
Too many errands.
Too much time in the car.
Too many doctor visits.
Too much time talking to strangers.
On top of the usual grading, school emails, and end of year teacher gifts, it was also Davy’s third birthday.
I was juggling a bunch of things I “should” be capable of and then WHAM…
One thing too many and I just crumbled.
I’m learning that I have less social bandwidth than I once had.
I’m genuinely out of practice socializing due to the pandemic. But I suspect it may actually be autistic burnout. Exhaustion from years of living in a neurotypical world and no longer having the capacity to mask my autistic traits.
My environment has also changed dramatically since becoming a parent so I’m am generally overstimulated (surrounded by sensory input beyond my capacity to regulate) on a daily basis.
The content below was originally paywalled.
It’s two months after my breakdown and I’m tempted to say I “climbed my way out.”
But I didn’t do that.
Not at all.
I burrowed.
(I napped. I took anxiety medicine. I deleted Instagram. I went for a walk. I read a book. I cancelled plans. I postponed podcasts. I rested while Nathan drove Davy to therapy and cooked dinner.)
And I let my body and brain return to a baseline.
This has been a massive reminder that I can’t just keep pushing myself beyond my limits.
And my limits aren’t where they used to be.
It’s been a reminder to go slowly as we re-enter the world. And recommitment to white space for processing and checking in with myself.
And (this could be a whole post really)…
Asking for accommodations when they would be helpful instead of waiting until I’m at a breaking point.
I’m still learning what autistic accommodations are helpful. So far that looks like: comfortable clothes, captions on the tv, text or email vs. phone calls (a lifesaver for scheduling appointments), sensory reset time (reading in the bath most days), and (after testing a friend’s pair) I’m seriously considering noise cancelling headphones. 🎧
So many of us ignore our own needs until they reach critical levels.
What do you need and how can you ask for it?
Let’s discuss.
P.S. The Alice rant you didn’t ask for. 😂 I’ve found myself using a lot of Disney Alice gifs recently and it feels a bit disingenuous. I have to confess I’ve only seen the film once as a child and told Mom it was “wrong” because my head canon is the 1985 live action version. (I also love the actual books.) 📖
But the only gifs I can find are of the Disney variety. I’ve come to accept this because they’re great visuals and a quick cultural shorthand for Alice’s story. 🐇
I should probably give the film another chance and rewatch it as an adult, but the version below has ALL my nostalgia. 🥰 Plus an all star cast including Sammy Davis Jr., Ringo Starr, Sally Struthers, Carol Channing, and John Stamos (including the Alice Through the Looking Glass sequel.) Truly worth a peek if you haven’t seen it.♟
Time melted after my book launch so this update encompasses both May and June.
I’ve slowed down considerably for summer. I know there’s only so much I can do with Davy home all day so I’ve put several projects on pause (like podcasting and my self publishing Q&A.)
And I’ve been experimenting with creative projects that fit within the limits of time, space, and energy I have at the moment.
Here’s what I’ve been working on…
Performance Art
It’s a bit surprising, as someone who has studied both art and drama, that I’ve never really considered making performance art.
Drawing inspiration from mother artist Cassie Arnold I’ve started a performance piece of my own.
I’ve begun recording time-lapse videos of myself cutting tags out of Davy’s clothing for the My Brain on Motherhood series. This simple mundane task is a quintessentially autistic experience. (Mom cut tags out of my clothes for years.)
This process makes art from life and brings visibility into the domestic sphere in the spirit of Mierle Laderman Ukeles’Maintenance Art.
When I exhibit this work the tags will be displayed alongside the performance.
Baking
I’ve also spent a lot of time in the kitchen. Alongside constantly feeding my growing toddler I’ve also been trying out a low FODMOP meal plan to help with some EDS related digestion problems.
(My tummy is happy, but the list of foods my body can’t digest is growing rapidly.)
In the absence of so many favorites I have found one new recipe I absolutely love.
3 ingredient peanut butter cookies. These are delicious (and are also gluten free, but they don’t taste like it.)
Here’s the recipe…
Sarah’s Peanut Butter Cookies
Ingredients
1 egg
1 cup of peanut butter*
3/4 cup sugar**
* Use your favorite. I’ve been making my own peanut butter this month which is surprisingly easy (but it does require a powerful blender).
** I use demerara sugar which I keep on hand for my tea.
Method
Preheat the oven to 350° F (that’s Gas Mark 4 for my UK folk) 😉
Mix ingredients.
Roll into one inch balls (I use this scoop.) Bigger ones do not bake well… trust me, I tried. 😂
Press a criss-cross with a long tined fork and sprinkle a bit more more sugar. (Or sea salt if you’re daring.)
Bake for 12-15 minutes or until edges are golden brown.
Give them some time to firm up. (They will be soft at first.) Then scoff one down while it’s still warm. Keep the rest in an airtight bag.
Photography
Last week I wrote about intentional inconsistency, but The Magic Mundaneproject with Claire Venus has become a daily practice. Sometimes the best way to cultivate daily creativity in your life is to make it as easy as possible.
We exchange photos once a day and post the highlights to Instagram. (You can join in with the hashtag #themagicmundane.) ✨
I also create a diptych each week to add to my portfolio. I’m really looking forward to exhibiting these and seeing them up on a wall together.
Writing
I’ve really been drawn to writing this summer. There are no supplies. No set up or clean up.
I’ve been drafting posts on my phone (which I’m doing right now) and journaling on paper (now that Davy has left the human goat phase.)
This uptick in writing is one reason I created Substack so I have a space to share long form writing more frequently.
It feels like old school blogging and I am here for it!
Finishing up my book is on hold until autumn when Davy goes back to school. (Thank goodness I had the foresight to choose an autumnal release date!) Past me would have promised the book over summer and would be hurtling at lightspeed into burn out. 🚀
That’s all for me this month! What have you been making?
During my autism evaluation the psychologist noted that I was an “all in” person. I was drowning in commitments and my evaluator suggested I try practicing inconsistency. I was completely blind to having that choice.
My brain only sees “do” or “do not.” (I would be an excellent Jedi Master.)
Its been a very long and slow process to begin shifting this.
That’s why I call it a practice. I mean that in the same way someone has a yoga practice or a gratitude practice. Inconsistency is something I’m actively working to cultivate in my daily life.
Because of this tendency I avoid “don’t break the chain” mindset like the plague. I’ve fallen under its spell many times and its pretty ugly. I could chain 300 days and if I miss a day its all over for me.
That broken chain feels worse than starting from zero.
My best defense is to embrace inconsistency. To invite it in.
When I was journaling as a new mum I was often faced with the option to sleep or to write. And, in my maternal wisdom, I knew that Julia was wrong.
Art is important, but sleep is number one.
Here I am three years later.
I’m celebrating 916 journal pages during the first three years of motherhood. (189 of those were using a simple daily check in you can download here.)
I broke the chain many times.
I chose sleep, and baths, and yes sometimes even Stranger Things.
And I don’t regret it.
Because I was intentionally inconsistent this isn’t a failure. It’s a win. It’s me taking care of myself and my creative ecosystem.
Those 673 pages would not exist without taking this approach. (The same goes for writing my books by the way. That process was also wildly inconsistent.)
So here I am with a fist full of journal inserts (it is pretty satisfying they all match, isn’t it?)
…one of which was nibbled by Davy when he was in the human goat phase. 😂
This taste for paper is part of why I found journaling time hard to come by. I’m writing more these days, but I still want to hold this practice with a loose grip.
How do you feel about consistency? Love it or hate it?
The discussion possibilities on Substack are pretty cool and one of the big reasons I made this jump. (There’s also a pretty cool app if you’re into that.)
Ok, it sounds like Davy’s waken up grumpy from his nap so my quiet time is all used up.
This was originally published on my blog. After publishing I decided I’d rather share these stories somewhere more intimate. So I’m moving this piece as the first in a growing collection of stories at the intersection of identity, neurodivergence, and creativity.
You can read the video’s text below. Transcription is funded by paid subscribers.
TRANSCRIPT
This year we’ve learned something new about our family.
This video is a celebration.
Here’s some context: I am autistic. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult, but the diagnosis suddenly explained my whole life. Growing up, I didn’t talk much and I had trouble making friends my own age. Adults outside of my family often criticized me as too sensitive or too shy. I believed all of these things were character flaws.
Knowing that I was autistic changed everything. I’m working hard to reframe these perceived flaws as neurological differences. My nervous system is just processing life differently. Since becoming a parent, I’ve noticed that most adults are scared to attach a diagnosis of autism or ADHD to a child.
Growing up without a diagnosis. We still know we’re different, and we think it’s our fault. Even with the family who supported me, the wider world was not set up to support my needs, and I was often looked on with judgment.
The most important thing you can do for a neurodivergent child is to validate their experience. They may need extra supports. And that’s nothing to feel shame or embarrassment about.
Around Davy’s second birthday, I started seeing signs of neurodivergence. By 33 months I was confident in booking an evaluation. And this March he was officially diagnosed as autistic.
This is a celebration.
We love David’s whole autistic self, and we’ve learned something new about him and how his brain works.
Autism has been medicalized, which means the conversation often centers on struggles and not strengths. But there are many positive autistic traits. David is an early reader, excels at puzzles, memorization, and is self motivated with a strong internal curiosity.
I do want to acknowledge that diagnosis is not equally accessible. But it was important for us. Doctors and therapists and Davy’s life were quick to dismiss any possibility of autism because he’s charming, and sometimes he makes eye contact. These professionals were often educated with outdated research. There’s an increased awareness of autism, but still plenty of misinformation floating around.
We drove five hours for Davy’s evaluation, because it was important for me that the professional evaluating him was up to date on the newest research and saw autism as a difference and not a defect. That weekend was magical. We packed the car and snacks and sensory fidgets and toys, all the new. I found car friendly activities that matched his special interests: vehicle stickers and dinosaur magnets were a big hit. For a kid who loves to go and has been quarantined for almost two years he was living his best life.
We booked a family friendly Airbnb. It had an indoor swing, a kids play kitchen and plenty of space to run around. After being stuck in the car for a whole day we put on his favorite TV shows to help him regulate into a new space and brought along familiar foods. The next day, we ordered breakfast from the diner downstairs and drove over to the psychologist.
Their space was perfect for autistic kids. The overhead lighting was covered with cloudy sky diffusers. The waiting room was filled with sensory toys and many of Davy’s favorites. There were several tests including the ADOS, which is very interactive, as well as parent interviews and lots and lots of paperwork. Before we left, the psychologists confirmed that Davy is indeed autistic. It would take a few weeks for the official paperwork, but the validation was immediate.
We celebrated with Davy’s first trip to the zoo, which for an autistic kid who loves animals was an absolute delight. This was a very intentional choice after being closed in the small room for most of the day. The next morning, we took him to the park to run off some more energy before another long car ride. Since then, we’ve had productive conversations with his school and speech therapist about autistic differences and how we can best support him.
One of the supports Davy needs is an AAC or augmentative and alternative communication device. We call it his talker. His spoken language is delayed so David uses his talker to tap words or phrases that he wants to say. His spoken language continues to develop at his own pace. Meanwhile, this device acts as his voice.
David’s diagnosis has also changed how I view my own autistic identity. Even after my diagnosis I continued to contort myself to fit within neurotypical expectations. I never asked for accommodations. I would push beyond my capacity and pay the price. Now that I know David is also autistic, I realized this would set a very unhealthy example. Instead, I am learning to express my needs, set boundaries, and ask for supports. I want to model self advocacy without shame or apology.
My generation of autistic adults grew up masking our differences. I hope David’s generation can live as their authentic selves.
If you’d like to learn more about autism, I’ve linked some resources here.
I recently discovered that my iPhone has a limit of 500 tabs. I don’t know if this is a new limit or my new personal record for opening tabs and not closing them down. Flowers to plant, blogs to read, things to buy, recipes to make, music, films, games, places. I’ve got them all.
These days I’m often interrupted during the cycle of thought → research → idea. Over time these forgotten rabbit holes add up.
When I was sick over Christmas I got curious about what all those tabs were holding. I had to keep my mind busy while my body healed so over 48 hours I opened every tab and made a list of all the interested links & topics in my Notion app.
I created this list an archive for myself, but perhaps you’ll find something that sparks your curiosity as well. Enjoy a nosey peek into my neurodivergent mind. It’s crowded in here.
When I was curating this post I remembered I used to something similar on Patreon (with links I’d already read or made a note of somewhere). Maybe this is my way of returning to that.
My creative process is fueled by inquiry so there’s always a connection between my random musings and the work I end up creating. I love documenting this part of the process and sending these little curiosity sparks out into the world.
THE DATA
Out of 500 total tabs there were 203 useful links and topics (if I counted right). The rest were duplicates, duds, and dead shopping carts. There were also a fair number of links to do with physical and mental health which I didn’t include here.
CATEGORIES
I was curious about what kind of links I was hoarding so I did a little nerdy tally.
Here’s an idea of what you’ll find below.
Flowers & Gardening – 59
Breadcrumbs – 26
Recipes – 17
Shops – 17
Blogs & Articles – 15
Crafting Patterns – 12
Books – 11*
Music – 10
People – 8
Films – 7
Travel – 7
Pottery – 5
Words – 4
Games – 3
NW Arkansas – 1
*If this number seems low its because books are almost always added to TBR pile on Storygraph instead of an open tab.
Episode 6 Gardeners’ World, 2017 (Monty presents an hour of gardening for the Easter weekend. Nick Bailey gives tips on how achieve a luscious lawn, and Adam Frost starts to transform a herbaceous border.)
Family Friendly Video Tutorials for Watercolor, Giant Bubbles & Marbled Paper
Welcome to Camp. 🌿
I originally created this virtual camp for my Patreon supporters in 2018. This was a year before I became a mother and I had so much raw creative energy and so much time to channel it.
The videos and printables have been lovingly dusted from the archives and are shared with you here in my Course Library. ✨
Please ignore any mention of Patreon or a schedule. You should find everything you need below.
Let’s Go! 🐞
I hope this brings some joy and inspiration into your summer.
Everything is included so you go at your own pace. 🐌
Have fun!
Giant Bubbles
This is a personal favorite!
Choose Your Adventure
Want to go easy on yourself? Instead of giant bubbles just buy a big bottle of bubble solution and a bubble maker. (That’s totally me this summer.)
Want to go all in? Use this recipe and make massive magic bubbles. 🫧
Marbled Paper
This is a super easy tutorial using water, spray paint, and a big bucket.
There are tons of other methods (like this one) if you’d rather not use spray paint, but they need more specialty supplies.
Watercolor Magic
Next are four videos about wet on wet watercolor technique.
The first talks about supplies. The next three are tutorials. (If you’re looking for the crayon technique I mention it is here… it was from a different Camp Kindle session.)
Writing Prompt
Grab a notebook and discover the book you’ve already written.
The Wonder Kit
There are also a ton of printables for camp should you enjoy that sort of fun.
First, there is a Wonder Log with creative prompts.
