Shifting Deadlines, Chronic Illness & Creative Capacity
Today’s letter is about capacity, chronic illness, and what’s inspiring me.
Every seasonal shift I write a personal update for my paid subs and invite them to check in with their projects.
This month I’ve unlocked the first part of the letter for everyone.
I did this because I believe it’s powerful to prioritize our health and energetic capacity. I hope by modeling this I can empower others to do the same.
First, some context.
I don’t often talk about this, but I have several interconnected chronic illnesses and auto immune disorders.1 This means my body is really bad at fighting off sickness. It’s worse as a parent, because I can never properly rest.
Starting in university I noticed a pattern of pushing myself to the brink each semester and falling ill over the holidays. Every semester I’d push and crash. Over and over. Twice a year. I didn’t see it as a problem. It just was.
Looking back I see it differently.
I was repeatedly pushing beyond capacity and paying the price.
But parents don’t get to crash and reset twice a year.
So I’m finally learning to take care of myself.
I’m paying close attention to my capacity and making adjustments before I reach my breaking point.
Arbitrary deadlines do not matter more than my health.
And due dates I create myself are not set in stone.
Later this month I had planned to crowdfund my anthology project.
And then I came down with COVID.
Knowing myself, my body, and my compromised nervous system I knew it was too much. The moment the strip turned pink I realized something had to shift. There was no way I’d be able to record a crowdfunding video and launch a book this Spring.
I gave it a week and then made the call.
I’ve postponed the book launch until Autumn.
We can do that, you know.
Even though I knew it was the right call I was still concerned to send the email.
But, I needn’t have worried.
I’m working with mothers and they get it.
Here’s what they said:
It’s not easy to take the space you need.
But it does get easier with practice.
Right now month I’m practicing the lessons I’ve learned from Daniel Tiger.
When you’re sick, rest is best. The book can wait.
The content below was originally paywalled.
Inverted Seasons
My experience of seasons is somewhat inverted. I have the most energy in Autumn and the least in Summer.
That means my experience of Spring is the harvest.
My projects aren’t bursting to life – they are coming together.
The first issue of Neurokind came out in late February. I’m really proud of it and I’ve had an epiphany about printing each issue as a zine(!) which I’m really excited about.
Harvest was also a good metaphor for my planned anthology launch, but as it is I’m putting a pin in that for now. I’ve still managed a lot of progress on that project and am really enchanted with the proofs I have so far. It feels like a bit of an early harvest even though there’s more work to come.
Here’s a sneak peek at the cover art!
I haven’t shared this publicly yet, but I am in love with this art and over the moon that Twiggy came on board for this.
There’s a lot of work left on this project. Once I’m recovered from COVID I’ll pick up the pieces and film the crowdfunding campaign and do another round of proofs.
I’m also considering using the extra time to our advantage and sending out some advance reviewer copies.
Beyond the anthology I’m also experimenting with keeping an artist log. It’s a slight reframe on my Down the Rabbit Hole roundup, but it’s not going out to my main list. I felt like I wanted a space I could really experiment and try different things.
I might move this project over to Beehiiv (a new platform I discovered through John & Hank Green). A year ago, when Substack introduced Notes, I tried to move to Ghost. But it wasn’t a good fit and cost too much money. Beehiiv is free up to 2,600 subscribers. So I can test the waters with this project and see how it is.
I know I could send my artist log to my main list.
But, it feels nice to have a small dedicated group who are up for anything.
For years that used to be my Patreon supporters or paid Substack tier. But I’m realizing that group doesn’t have to be behind a paywall.
It’s just folks saying I’m here for the weird and the eclectic and the squirrel chasing.
If that’s you sign up here:
This experiment also has me reflecting on why I’m feeling pressures about my main Substack. Who am I writing for? And why am I worried about bothering people who signed up to hear from me in the first place?
I need to do some journaling about this, but it’s murky right now.
It started when I went viral (for me.) Some creators I admire started following and I felt like I had to write more of what they signed up for (longform posts versus scrappy creative updates.)
I love writing longform writing, but it takes so much TIME.
Eventually I realized I had rather spend that time writing a novel or making art.
I’m still working it all out.
Maybe my whole list will become scrappy with occasional long form posts.
But I want to try that on for size before showing up and saying,
“I’ve changed my mind AGAIN.”
And then I realize it’s all masking. And worrying about how I’m perceived.
Meanwhile, I’m feeling optimistic about gardening this year.
We’ve been spending a lot of time outdoors while I recover. Davy romps around the yard, “gardens”, or lays face first in clover.
I’ve finally figured out I can put a plank of wood across my rocking chair arms and have an outside desk. (That’s where I’m writing this from.)
I could write more, but I’m tired and Davy wants help finding his gardening tools.
So I’ll call it here.
What about you?
How is your creative ecosystem?
Do you have any projects you’d like to share or check in on?
How do you match your output to your capacity?
Let’s chat below.
I avoid talking about health too often because when I do I tend to get misdirected advice. But, these conditions play a huge part in my life and capacity – particularly since motherhood. Most people don’t realize that neurodivergence (specifically autism & ADHD) have been connected to health conditions like Ehlers Danlos Syndrom (EDS), POTS, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS).
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